Author’s Note: I woke up one morning with this story in my head and I had no choice but to write it down. It’s unfinished, but I’d really like to finish it eventually. In the meantime, I thought I’d share the insanity.
Comments are always welcome. You can reach me at email@example.com
Never Say Kaboog
A Witch, a Vampire, and an Unidentified Magical Creature walked into a mall on Christmas Eve. The crowds of anxious shoppers regarded the trio with curious stares but were too preoccupied to pay them much mind.
“I can haz presentz?!” cried the UMC in a loud, shrill voice, which garnered only a raised eyebrow from a department store clerk.
“Hush, Newbeeber,” said the witch. “We’re trying to blend in. I’ve disguised you under a Veil of Mis-Appearance, but it does nothing for your voice.”
The vampire shook his head, tresses of long blonde hair falling over his bright blue eyes. “Does anyone else find it strange that our Evil Lord is throwing a Christmas party?”
“X-Mas,” corrected the witch. “And yes. But it seems receiving free presents from everyone he knows is right up his alley.”
“You know, Halloween was two months ago, freaks,” said a voice nearby.
The witch frowned at the girl and said, “Pitty poo ba tee ba.”
“Weirdos,” said the girl, and walked away laughing.
The witch cackled evilly. “She’s going to have a nasty surprise when she gets home.”
“IN HER PANTS!!” cried Newbeeber, clapping his paws together.
“Really, Jinx, such behavior is beneath you,” said the vampire in a disapproving tone.
“Is it?” asked the witch with a smile. Then she turned serious. “Let’s get down to business, then.” She waved her hand in the air and a small book appeared. The cover read, So You Want To Celebrate X-Mas Even Though You’re An Evil Creature. Jinx licked a finger and flipped through the pages.
“Well, what does it say?” asked the vampire impatiently.
“Let’s see. It says, ‘The main point of X-Mas is to give stuff to others and then get stuff in return.’”
“I can haz CHEESE?!” asked Newbeeber.
“Is that what you want?” asked Jinx.
The UMC nodded his scaly head.
“Then I suppose you can have cheese.”
The vampire looked thoughtful. “I think … I want a new name.”
“What’s wrong with your name?” asked Jinx.
“Pointy Fhang?” said the vampire, as if that explained it all. “I hate the name Pointy. Always have.”
“But it’s so fitting.”
“Do you like the name Jinx?”
The witch frowned. “I’d never really thought about it. Besides, it’s a nickname. My real name is Jinxya.”
The vampire looked suddenly determined. “That settles it. I’m going in search of a new name.”
Before Jinx could argue, the vampire had wrapped himself in his cloak and poofed. Thankfully, a fight had broken out nearby over the very last Nintendo Wii and nobody noticed the disappearing vampire.
“Looks like it’s just us, then, Newbeeber.”
“Yez,” said the UMC. “I sez we find presentz.”
“I agree,” said the witch. From her pocket she withdrew a note. She unfolded the paper and read its contents.
EVIL LORD’S X-MAS WISHLIST
1. Cherry Jelly Beans
2. X-Box 360 controller
3. Five fingers (freshly sliced)
4. The Bridges of Madison County (DVD)
5. A suitable lady (of Evil) to be my wife
Jinx bit her lip thoughtfully as she contemplated the list. “Looks like we have a lot of work to do, my dear UMC. Finding a suitable lady for our Lord and Master will be a challenging task.”
“Yez. We kan finz one here, tho. Eezy 2 find laydees at da mallz.”
“You think so?” Jinx looked around. “I wish we knew what kind of women he found ‘suitable’.”
“He kan haz exchangez if he no likez.”
“Very well,” said Jinx. “Let’s get going. Your disguise doesn’t have long to go.”
Newbeeber nodded and shuffled along, his tail snaking behind him as he followed Jinx through the crowded mall.
After a moment, Jinx stopped to regard her reflection in a store window. Her dark hair and black clothes had seemed perfectly normal back in her lair, but looking around she noticed that she was in the minority. “Hm. Perhaps I should give myself a disguise too.” She turned around and looked at the people passing by. “Sha too pel ah,” she whispered, while staring at someone’s shirt. “Jen ay ka mah,” she said at someone else’s pair of pants. “Sheh lak kan,” she directed at a pair of sneakers.
Satisfied, she turned back to her reflection and touched her finger to the window. The mirror image changed to reflect the new garments she’d selected: a tight blue tee-shirt and a pair of wide-legged jeans. Her long dark hair she left intact. “There,” she said to Newbeeber. “That’s better.”
The UMC’s ears perked up suddenly and he nodded. “I likez.”
“What in the underworld are you wearing?” asked the vampire from somewhere behind her.
Jinx whirled around. “I hate it when you do that.”
“I’d apologize, but .. eh.” The vampire shrugged dismissively.
“Where’ve you been?”
Pointy smiled, his fangs showing briefly before disappearing again. “I went to get this.” He opened the palm of his hand.
Jinx squinted. “I don’t see anything.”
Jinx did so and finally saw what looked like a tiny book resting at the center of the vampire’s hand. “What the hell is that?”
“It’s the Gigonormous Book of Too Many Names to Count,” the vampire said smugly. “The Karnes & Foble at the Transluscent Edge of the 18th and a half planet had it in stock. Last copy.”
“What do you think of the name … Ricardo?”
“Could shorten it to Ricky.”
“Too much sexy?”
Jinx arched a brow. “Ah, yeah. That’s it.”
“Cheese!” cried Newbeeber suddenly. “Cheese! Cheese!”
Jinx looked around and spotted a place called Cheeses ‘N More Cheeses, which seemed to be the source of the UMC’s excitement. “Let’s go, Newbeeber. I did promise you cheese.”
The UMC hopped from paw to paw and followed anxiously behind Jinx. Specialty cheeses from all around the globe greeted their senses the moment they stepped inside the store and Jinx let out a short cough.
Newbeeber ran from corner to corner, sniffing each cheese carefully, while the girl behind the counter looked on curiously.
Jinx forgot all about the smell of cheese the moment her gaze landed on the girl. She had seen beautiful girls before. Leeka from the Wyrms & Beyond shop was rather stunning when the moon wasn’t full, and Jeika from Satantic Bingo night had a certain appeal. But the girl standing behind the display of French cheeses was hands down the most beautiful girl Jinx had ever seen.
“Hm, what about Peter?”
“Who?” Jinx asked distractedly.
The vampire sighed. “For a name.”
“Isn’t it a little too close to Pointy?”
Jinx tuned out the vampire. She was too busy staring at the cheese shop girl. Until that moment, Jinx hadn’t been able to come up with a single thing she wanted for X-Mas, but now it seemed perfectly clear. And yet she knew, with growing disappointment, that a girl of such beauty deserved to be with someone far more special than a lowly witch. With a sigh, she turned to the vampire. “We’re going to have to take the girl with us.”
The vampire was squinting at the Gigonormous Book of Too Many Names to Count through a pair of bifocals. “Hm?”
“The girl,” Jinx said again, pointing subtly with her head. “I think she’d make a great wife for the Evil Lord. Don’t you think?”
The vampire looked over the bifocals and let out a dismissive grunt. “She’s fine. What do you think of the name Garthak?”
“I had an orc friend name Garthak.”
“Disgusting,” proclaimed the vampire. “Nevermind.”
Newbeeber appeared suddenly, hopping on hind legs and carrying a pile of cheeses, which he handed to Jinx. “I can haz all cheeses?”
“Sure, Newbeeber,” said Jinx. “It’s X-Mas after all.” She approached the counter and smiled shyly at the girl.
“Will that be all?” asked the girl pleasantly.
Jinx was lost in green eyes for a moment, but snapped out of it. “Actually, may I see your hand?”
Jinx nodded. “Yes, just for a second.”
The cheese shop girl hesitated briefly but reached forward with her hand.
Jinx took the girl’s hand, and distracted by the feel of the soft skin, she momentarily forgot the words to the incantation. “Celeg pan kaboog.”
“Did you say kaboog?” was the last thing Jinx heard before everything went dark.
“You did,” said the vampire’s voice from somewhere that sounded far away. “You said kaboog. Well, this is just fantatastic.”
Jinx blinked and opened her eyes. Her head felt as if she’d banged it repeatedly against a wall. When her vision cleared, she realized the grave mistake she’d made. “I said kaboog.”
(to be continued…)